dedicated to my late cat 'mama'
Monday, December 29, 2008 @ 12:17 AM
2008 is not the year for me nor my family.
family ties with my dad's side broken..
my grandmother passed away..
my chincilla,'ying ying' passed away..
my break up..
n today..
it was my cat..
why?
why is all this happening?
god is testing how much we can take in life..
or maybe he is punishing us..
for our sins in out previous life..
n yes..
he choose 2008 to throw everything at us...
i presume its everything..
cus i cant take it much any longer..
n thinking to myself..
2008 is coming to an end..
i pray for a good new year in 2009..
n just b4 new year..
my cat passed.
maybe its e full stop god is leaving for us on 2008.
'mama'
the only cat of my 13 that does not stay in my house.
the 1st cat that we had a relationship with..
the cat that brought 3 more into my home n life..
n 5 more from her children.
the cat that lived alone in e cold void deck of block 652.
she was strong.
always over protective.
even spending so much time with her..
she'll still scratch or bite me or my mom.
but still loved by us alot..
why?
why do we love a cat that roams around e void deck everyday.
dosen't like to be pat or touched by us..
or even attacks us?
why?
cus shes e only cat..
shes e only cat that can tell when u open ur door on e 4th floor
n wait to greet u at e lift..
shes e only cat that knows that my mom's car is parking
n waits by e door to greet us..
shes e only cat that knows her name n responses to it.
e only cat we had a real connection.
thats y..
thats e cat we love..
e last i saw her..
was yesterday.
when i came home from drums..
saw her sleeping by my mom's car..
called her..but she was lazy to respond..
so i went up e lift..
shes so lonely..
always alone.
n she died alone.
e most cruel way to go..
alone..
she died with foam in her mouth..
n her arms stretched out trying to crawl..
as if wanting to get help..
a last stuggle for life..
and no..
she didn't have 9 of em.
i wished she did.
n now shes gone..
coming home...walking to e lift will be different forever..
e cat we loved n once knew..
won't be there to greet us anymore..
n no cat can ever replace her..
not one of my remaining 12..
i pray she didn't suffer at her last moments..
i pray she is alright wherever she is..
n i pray her next life will be e best.
no one deservers to die alone..
no one should be alone..
xmas? what xmas?
Saturday, December 27, 2008 @ 1:53 AM
well..
25th of december came n past just like that.
woke up at at 2 that day.
n stayed home.
ate kfc for lunch.
n ordered mac for dinner.
everything is so degrading.
from e lonliest cny this year due to family probs.
n now lonliest xmas.
i celebrated xmas in wow myself as well..
family gatherings..
friend outings..
a cosy time with a loved 1.
no...
it didn't happen..
nothing happened.
i miss my family..
i seriously do.
family nt is in my mom n dad..
but my uncles aunts n cousins especially.
from a weekly sunday gathering at my grandparents place..
from a cny gathering full of fun.
to even a reunion dinner.
a xmas party.
to a cold n distant relationship.
i miss everything..
its karma i guess..
my family seems to be e blacksheep of all e others.
the only family with a only child.
e only family whos brothers n sisters backstab my parents
on both dad n mom's side.
a family who is being looked down apon.
n expected to clear up e mess
while we face all e shit they throw at us.
to a family i miss so very much.
i've used up all my help lines already.
i've used em all....
n i'm still at e bottom.
gaining nth..
but e jeers of e audiences..
a quote by theodore bagwell:
"we are the prisoners of our own identity"
we are e prisoners of who we made ourselves to be.
n we remain a prisoner of who we are.
but to be who we are not,
we must break out from this prison.
n run..
run from everything.
n start anew
never look back..
n never get caught.
can i break from my own prison?
into oblivion my heart has gone.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008 @ 10:19 PM
its amazing how u're heart n mind can never get it right.
its so totally split personallity.
sometimes ur heart thinks over ur mind..
n ur brain kicks it when its too late.
or well...e other way for that matter.
i'm facing this huge issue now.
i can't seem to follow any.
1 will rip me apart.
the other screws me up.
temptation,jelousy,hatred,addiction,laziness,idlesness.
only these can explain what i am right now.
alot of fucked up decision been made lately.
even though i'm wrong..
i'll just rebel back..
i've been this way till...
i have no idea hw ppl look at me anymore.
a fear that i might retaliate.
getting pissed when in a confrontation with me.
i just feel i'm losing my hope n trust with everyone around soon.
time will just let all fall n break sooner of later.
i tend to follow my mind so much that all these are happening.
being smart is 1 thing..
but i'm just using my mind to think of ways to just
get out of e real world..
n just slack.
wtf?
self-reflections?
i done em..
i have..
but well.
look were i am..
i noe wads killing me.
but i cont. to let it kill me.
cool eh?
some things can n never will happen.
cus i just dun have e guts to face reality in its face.
either that i just don't want to.
fate is guiding me e way..
n i'm reluctant to take over.
its too late to appologize
project:drum exposure.
Saturday, December 20, 2008 @ 12:17 AM
yo ppl...
b4 i get started.
i would like to make things clear that i do not tolerate crap
tags with anoy.
as long u put tat...even if u're my friend or wadeva shy u are
behind that name..
i won't hesitate to just give u a piece of my mind..
so ya..
fuck off.
(ps. to tat dick.i dun have to ans to u bout my 'race',
i use wadeva term i like.)
anyway.
project:drum exposure
its a little thing that i wish to like do?
just to kill time n see how it goes.
i've nt been to drums too active lately.
due to sickness..exams..etc..
been rather low profile..
haha...sry bout that.
anyway..
been a youtube surfer recently.
(as my damn cpu crashed..
so no wow for bout a week alr..
so ya..video surfing on my lappy)
n i feel that there should n can be more videos bout festive drums.
n i wanna add more of these up :)
(of cus nt any of zingo performing pieces)
like...variation of rythms..
style. stunts.
stuff like that.
its like...i wanna boast what we can give as a group as well..
hope it can work as a little moral booster as well..
but anyway..
this is still a premature idea..
i wanna build on it though..
i just had this idea strike me like 30mins ago..
i don't really know if it'll be a good idea?
i'll just look like a fool if this fails..
but who cares heh..
i just want a excuse to get out of wow too..
need to get world of ziming back in track
b4 i head back to world of warcraft.
well...tmr is drum practice..
lets see how things go.
gotta go do some persuation heh..
ciaos!
two can play the same game.
Am i really alright?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008 @ 12:29 AM
i don't feel right...
this maybe totally screwed up..
but ya...
i still don't feel like myself..
damn i'm getting skinny..
1 meal per day..
just cant get it down my system..
lack of sleep?
getting my insomnia problem back again..
can't sleep...dammit.
sleeping at wee hours..
n waking up either real early..
or zombie all e way to 3-4 in e afternoon
i guess there are 2 main reasons..
1.world of warcraft has eaten my soul.(dk pwns!)
2.a crush?
yes...
it seems fcuked up..
but ya..i have a new crush..
woopeedoo..
a change of heart..
yes...
i'm back in e race..
lol
seems so bad to treat it as a race..
imagine she reads this post..
hoseh..
well...
sch sucks..duhx
can never get that right
1st day of exams
OC2..
CHUI!
tmr pipc..
tmr pipc..
more CHUI!
thurs TD
even more CHUI!
fri applied math..
fri applied math..
nt so CHUI...
heng..
lol
hols next week...
getting geared for naxx 10 man run...
wooo!
hope i get into e main team..
best if off-tank :D
(yes...i'm a wow addict)
The Elysium..
we need healers n tanks..
:)
I force this hate into my heart cause its my only friend.
She crossed over e line too many times
Tuesday, December 2, 2008 @ 7:01 PM
well..things aint looking very good now..
i'm losing my tempter ever so often now..
i can't stand anything now..
life is such a irritating fact..
anyway..
just a little sth of what happened?
who e fuck will rub in ur face e reason tat u broke up?
which asshole in e right mind woud do that?
well if that asshole aint ur fren but ur enemy..
its still understandable.
but..
from ur own freaking mom..
which parent does that?
went to sch n shared my probs..
i can tell that all my frens mom aint this fucked up
they console em
give em comfort
while i gt a bitch who rubs it in my face..
ya some of u might be thinking i'm too much to call my mom a bitch
well...try being in my shoes..
n get that out of ur system.
she dosent noe who i am..
i've been keeping my private life from her as low as possible..
why?
cus she always has to interfier.
ya...ppl will say its out of love..
fine...let her noe..
e prob is...
she always screws it up..
from a young age...up to now..
when i feel terrible..
when i feel in e dumps..
i just wanna go home n relax..
she always has to add fucking salt into e wounds..
its out of concern..true...
but she is a fucking retard at trying to make u feel better..
so cheers to e understanding mom i have..
ya..all my friends say shes a really nice person..
duhx....u aint her child..
so don't judge me by my hatred towards her..
i can't stand it no more..
thx yonghan for being there when i needed someone
n thx fer letting me crash at ur place..
really appreciate it..
i don't seem to have anyone else to turn to anymore..
esp not family..
i lack that in my life..
thx to my friends in sch too...
i guess i've made u guys worried too...
thx fer e concern..
i've been thinking..
2 can play e same game of pretend n be happy..
well screw that idea in my opinion..
even right now...
i aint sad no more..
i'm freaking furious of everything..
right now its just a time bomb..
n i'm so gonna blow soon..
just 1 spark will do..
i have no idea wth i might do..
a mental breakown is in e process..
i guess me wanting to study for my term test
is all going e drain..
well...i did hold 1 part of e bargain..
i aint playing wow..
thinking of wad to do to get out of e hse now...cya..
i've found a new fish